How to Have Better Quiet Sex

“I have to keep quiet during sex because of my roommates. We have very thin walls. I get so stressed out at the thought that my roommates can hear us that I can’t focus and I just get turned off. It’s really been affecting our intimacy.

Is there a way to make quiet sex better?”

Candice here from the KinkKit. I feel you - I lived in NYC for YEARS, and constantly stressed about roommates overhearing sexytime with my partner. Quiet sex can absolutely be great sex. As with any great sex, the question usually comes down to - can you stay present and passionate?

When it comes to the logistics of staying quiet, you can muffle the noises you make by closing your mouth and breathing through your nose. Move slowly and focus on the gentle sensations of friction; fast sex does not lend itself well to silence.

The sexual noises we make are a psychological adaptation of the sounds that naturally come from the lungs in response to exertion. Put simply, over time, we’ve learned to use our sexual noises as a way to demonstrate authentic excitement and arousal to our partners.

When quiet is necessary, though, you can muffle the noises you make by closing your mouth and breathing through your nose instead. You may also choose to bite into a pillow.

Practice being quiet when you don’t have to be, as well. This will help you practice without pressure so that you can enjoy being quiet during times when your roommates are home.

One other way to enjoy quiet sex is by exploring slow, mindful tantric sex. If you want to explore tantric sex with your partner, start by matching your breathing patterns and get in sync. Make eye contact (an activity often referred to as Soul Gazing, to tantric aficionados) during intimate play, and focus on the pleasure of touch instead of the climax.

If you want to get more playful and still be quiet, turn your noiseless romp into a game. Challenge each other to see who can be the quietest. Whoever slips up and makes or causes a noise gets what I like to call a “funishment” (a fun punishment) — that could be orgasm control such as edging, playful spanking, 10 pushups, or even having to do each others’ dishes.

By encouraging sexy competition, you may find yourselves trying to push each other over the limits to make noise.

One of my favorite quiet games to give my clients is “Silent Sex Disco”. I love this game for quiet sex because it allows you to get in the groove with some sex jams that aren’t an audible neon sign to anyone in earshot that sex is happening. (One of my more embarrassing memories from college was turning on what I thought was a suitably sexy playlist to drown out noise while friends were in the common room — and then getting made fun of afterwards for my blatantly obvious sex jams.)

Kink it up a notch by listening to some erotic audio porn. I’m a fan of iOs app Dipsea and TryQuinn.

Let both partners put on headphones and get down to their own sex playlists. Or, make playlists for each other.

Ultimately, remember that you have a right to enjoy your space, too. If the thought of your roommates overhearing you is such a source of stress that you can’t enjoy sexual intimacy with your lover, consider having a chat with them about agreed-upon boundaries and set times for them to either put on headphones, or simply let you know when they’ll be out.

Hope this helps!

Candice is our Resident Sex Expert, Head Intimacy Coach, and co-founder of the KinkKit, the first “sexperience” box for couples to play their way to better sex. She is an award-winning, Harvard-educated sex educator and intimacy coach specializing in intimate communication. Her work has been featured in dozens of publications including Cosmo, Bustle, Buzzfeed, AskMen, SheKnows, HelloGiggles, BABE, MindBodyGreen, and more.

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Candice Smith