How to ask for what you want during an erotic spanking
“I get stuck on how to ask for what I want during a spanking. I have an image in my head, but my [partner] isn’t exactly doing it, and I don’t want to hurt [their] feelings.. and I also feel weird directing the spanking. Do you have suggestions on what to say?” - A Kinkster
So here you are! Ready to explore and experiment with spanking… or perhaps, you’re looking to gain a new perspective on a familiar sexperience.
When you’re just getting started out, or if you are exploring with a new implement with your partner, make sure that the Bottom is the one directing the experience. Our SPANK Kit offers more guided instruction and games to get you started here- check it out!
If you are the Bottom, you may enjoy the idea of giving the Top partner total control over the spanking. However, when you’re just getting started out, or even when trying a new implement for the first time, give your partner specific instructions on what you would like or not enjoy so that they know how to fulfill the fantasy in your head. The more specific you are, the better they can fulfill your fantasy for you.
It may seem odd to give your partner direction like this at first, as our general understanding and knowledge of spanking comes from an understanding of non-consensual corporal punishment and discipline. But, as adults, our foray into Spanking and Impact Play is entirely consensual and driven by the Bottom’s limits. If you want to give your Top full discretion over a spanking, that is still your consent, as the Bottom. If you want to roleplay corporal punishment or try a punishment spanking with your lover, that is still your consent, as the Bottom.*
*True corporal punishment, however, is carried out without the consent of the one being spanked, and is not a topic we cover or endorse here.
Let’s dive into specifics!
Where do you want (and NOT want) to be spanked?
Give instruction on location, and instruct whether you would prefer to go higher or lower. Tell them if you would like them to spank in different areas, or concentrate their spanks on one area (which, of course, will build in intensity).
“I like to be spanked here, with this implement, when my jeans are on, but I don’t like that same implement when I don’t have panties on -- I prefer switching to hand instead.”
What would you like to be spanked with?
There are many different tools and implements with which to spank. Do you want to be spanked with a Pervertable, with the hand, with a paddle, or perhaps all three? Get specific!
“I would like a spanking with a paddle starting at my level 1 and moving up to a level 5.”
“Can we start with your hand and move to the ruler on my sit spot once my panties come off?”
“I’ve been having a fantasy about being spanked with my hairbrush, but I’m not sure if I would like it or if I like the idea of it. Can we start slow and see how it goes?”
How would you like to be positioned?
You may prefer the intimacy of an Over the Knee (OTK) spanking, or instead prefer to be spanked while bending over the bed or the couch. Let your Top know your fantasy.
How hard are they allowed to strike you?
Use a 1 to 10 scale to calibrate the spanking with your partner. Ask them to start with their lightest spank, and give that a numeric rating. From there, ask them to go to the next highest number. Create a new scale for every new implement. While you are both getting used to the 1 - 10 scale, have them check in with you after each spank.
“Where on the scale for that was you? Do you want me to stay here or go to a different number?”
How hard should they start spanking?
It’s generally recommended to start with lighter spanks, and gradually build in intensity. It is also recommended to spank “in layers”: firstly wearing bottoms, then strip to underwear, then strip to bare bottom -- but you can have your partner do it however you like!
What would you like your Top to say, if anything?
Do you want them to reprimand you? Ask you how you could do better? Count out each spank? Do you want them to call you names? Tell your partner what you would like them to say to you.
When is it time to stop?
This is where having a 1 to 10 code can also be helpful: “Zero” can be your safeword to completely stop the spanking. Alternatively, if you prefer a Stoplight Code for other play, “Red” is an easy Stopword to remember.
What else should they do to you while they spank you?
You may enjoy having your back or butt rubbed in between spanks. You may also enjoy a rubdown with Arnica cream, to stave off bruises (we had an Arnica Bruise Soother cream made specially for our SPANK Kit!).
“I enjoy having my skin rubbed with your hand in between spanks.”
“Can you lecture me while you spank me? I love being told how naughty I am.”
Are they allowed to leave marks on you?
Identify whether or not you would like them to mark or bruise you, and where. You may choose to use the Spanking Wheel to indicate a color you would like them to get you to, or simply let them know whether you would like to see bruises afterwards. Based on you and your partner’s expertise with spanking, you may choose to take more than one session to experiment with what leaves bruises (and what shape/size/color they are! Remember: everyone’s skin bruises differently, and some don’t bruise at all. Bruising is neither a good or accurate measure of how hard a spanking is. Neither should it be used as the sole indicator of when to stop.).
Do you want to experience tears, or act as though you want the spanking to stop?
Prepare your partner for this roleplay with a conversation beforehand and let them know how you will act and behave. If you will be struggling or saying “No”, or want to try to get to tears, talk with your partner about what that means for you.
For many, the fantasy of spanking can be associated with an internalized experience from childhood. This is called “Consensual Nonconsent” roleplay, and is completely normal — just remember, you are an adult consenting to return to that headspace, and you can stop it at any time.
Even if you have no experiences of spanking from childhood, you may still have pent-up stress or emotions and want to experience cathartic release. This is what’s known as a therapeutic spanking, and is completely normal as well!
“I would like to try a Therapeutic Spanking. I think that I have been bottling up a lot of guilt over X and would like to let all of that out. Would you be able to help me with that?”
“Don’t worry if you see tears, they just mean that I’m getting into the right headspace. If you are concerned, ask me if I want to give you my codeword.”
“I may be saying no, but I want to get into the headspace. I’ll say the word Zero if I want it to stop.”
Make time for aftercare.
Afterwards, no matter the intensity of the impact play, get together for a good cuddle huddle. If you aren’t yet ready for words, hug and cuddle each other. Bottoms may enjoy having their skin played with or rubbed during and discuss what you enjoyed and would have liked to improve.
Tops, ask outright as you are cuddling with your Bottom: “How could I have improved?”
Normally this is a question we would never ask our partners: the hope and (silent) expectation is that we blew each others’ minds… to ask for constructive feedback could expose us to the idea that we were less than perfect (oh the horror!). I’ve been there. We’ve all been there. However, the point of asking for feedback (especially during Impact Play) is because you simply do not know how to read your partner’s mind -- and the effect of receiving a spanking often makes it hard for Bottoms to speak coherently. The brain gets foggy with hormones and the adrenaline produced with the experience of pain and pleasure, and it can be difficult to speak or give feedback. This is what is commonly known as “Subspace”, and it has been described as a “floaty” or out-of-body experience for the Bottom.
Bottoms: When you are ready to speak, give honest and complimentary feedback about what you like and what you would like to try differently, especially as you continue to explore.
Compliment your Top and talk about what you enjoyed, and ask for more or less of a particular direction. Here are some examples below.
“Next time, could you scold me a little more? I felt like I was really approaching a strong emotional release, and I would love to explore that further.”
“Next time, could you spank me a little less on my upper thighs and concentrate spanks all over?”
“Next time, could you spank a little lighter when we get started and build in intensity?”
“I would love to try switching to the paddle after you take my underwear off.”
“Could you pull my hair and grab my neck more? I loved when you did that.”
“Next time, could you hold me down or restrain my hands if they move back to cover my butt? It helps me get more into the headspace… and honestly turns me on a lot.”
That’s all, folks! We hope this article gives you a little more direction on how to give direction. Is there any particular kind of instruction you found particularly valuable in giving your partner? Send us your feedback at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Interested in learning more about our SPANK Kit Sexperience? Try it out here.